Bloody Nose. 01/24/2010
 
My first trip out of the country was a medical trip to El Salvador with Medical Teams International (then Northwest Medical Teams).  I joined a team of 3 doctors and 3 nurses.  My job was to play with the kids (right up my alley) while the doctors and nurses gave them medical examinations. 

I loved that trip and when I returned I had a new vision for my future: I was going to be a nurse.  It was so inspirational to watch the doctors and nurses helping people...people who came in to the doctor in tremendous pain left with hope that they could feel better.  I wanted to help give people hope.

Alas, I had one small dilemma...I pass out at the sight of blood.

I learned this while giving blood in high school.  I was very excited to give blood and signed up for the first blood drive they had at school after I turned 18.  I remember sitting down, hating the needle, talking with my friends while trying to ignore the red tube hanging from my arm, and then I remember waking up.  Apparently I had passed out.  I wasn't out very long and I did get more time out of class and an extra cookie out of the deal...but I had also developed this ridiculous fear of blood. 

The high school incident was followed by me nearly passing out while simply reading an account of a woman bleeding out in a medical mystery.

I quickly realized that a "fear of blood" would not be so good for my nursing plans...so I gave up on that plan.

Fast forward 10ish years and here I am living in Mexico and loving it...until recently when I developed this new plight...NOSE BLEEDS.  Nose bleeds aren't a big deal here, between the super high altitude and the dry air it is easy to get a nose bleed.  The kids in my class get them all the time and I have learned to just let them get a tissue and deal with it themselves...no need to include the slightly queasy teacher in the process. 

Until recently I have experienced no problems with the altitude or the pollution but in the last week I have had two nose bleeds and I'm freaking out!!!  It usually goes like this, I realize I have a nose bleed, grab a tissue box, sit down and begin the "positive self talk": 

"it's just blood"

"you are 27, you can handle a little nose bleed"

"seriously DO NOT pass out!!"

Since I have passed out before I know the whole cold-sweats-tunnel vision-headache feeling that comes before I actually fade away and so far I have managed to hang in there...barely.  This is like reason #305 why it's not fun to be single and live alone because I really am not excited about possibly opassing out without someone there to wake me with a cookie and some juice :)

In the meantime, I've been drinking A LOT more water and praying that I can kick this goofy fear of blood.  I'll keep you updated. 

By the way, sorry I haven't blogged in awhile...I've missed you guys.
 
One more video. 08/17/2009
 
In a moment of vanity, I decided not to post the video from my first night (I just didn't look good!)  BUT after watching it this evening I realized that I needed to post it.  The first night was hard and I think that video captures my full range of emotion...from amazing peace and happiness to being completely overwhelmed to being ridiculously tired (I sure looked tired).  

I also realized that this blog is as much for me as it is for you...I get to look back and see the journey that I have been on (the good, the bad and the ugly!) and that video definitely captures part of this journey.

Check out the multimedia page to watch the video of my first night.
 
 
I was a bit of a crazy lady this morning. 

This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life (thus far) and it was preceded by 5 weeks of hard work (emotional, physical, mental etc..).  I'm not trying to make any excuses here, I'm just setting the scene.

My morning looked a bit like this:
  • We had to pull over two times on the way to the airport so that I could check my luggage for things I thought I forgot (I had both items).
  • I was quite short with the ticket counter assistant who started to tell me that my overweight bag was going to cost $350.  Are you serious?!  (It ended up being $125...much better and worth every penny!).
  • At one point we were walking through the airport and I was following this woman who was kind of wandering through terminal.  This horrible (and so embarrassing to admit) thought passed through my mind.  For a brief second I had this thought of shoving her out of the way.  Have you ever had a thought like that?  I mean, I would never do it...but it freaked me out that the thought even popped up!  Where did that come from!? 
Luckily for my seatmates, I slept through most of my first flight.  It was a short one, but that hour of sleep was much needed.  As I woke up the Incubus song Diamonds and Coal was playing and a line in the chorus struck me: "...even diamonds start at coal". 

I started thinking about what makes diamonds into coal.  Dirty, ugly coal is turned in a beautiful, desirable diamonds by what wikipedia calls a "high pressure, high temperature environment".  I've been living in a high pressure, high temperature environment but today I feel a lot more like coal dust than I do a diamond.

It's so humbling to have a day like today.  I appreciate knowing that God can see a diamond in this lump of coal. 
 
 

There's an account in the Bible of a rich young ruler who  approaches Jesus and asks him what he needs to do to be saved... Jesus tells him "sell all that you possess..." and the man turns away.

When I  learned this story in Sunday School,  I remember this almost pity-like feeling for the obviously unspiritual and misguided young man who couldn't part with his things.  I mean, who would turn away from Jesus because they couldn't part with their JUNK?

Then I realized that part of my adventure would involve selling all of my things. 

This week of going through my stuff and selling most of of it has left me a lot more sympathetic to the young ruler.  The idea of selling my things always seemed like it would be so much easier, I mean, I'm not owned by my stuff, right?

Then you actually start doing it...you go through all of your things and you remember when you bought this thing or who gave you that thing and the laughs you had while sitting in that chair and the tears you cried while holding that pillow and you start to realize that it's going to be harder than you thought.  That maybe it's not even all about the "stuff" that you are selling (just as it wasn't for the rich young ruler) but more about whether or not I can trust God...even when I don't have all my "stuff" to make me feel safe and secure.

It's been hard to blog recently because it makes me cry.

When I start to think about all the people and things that I am saying goodbye to, the feeling of loss is almost overwhelming.  I walk into an empty living room, open empty cabinets, stare at empty shoes shelves (seriously...EMPTY SHOE SHELVES) and I say goodbye to people every day.

But, it's in those moments that I realize I really am on an adventure and even though it's not always easy...I trust that it's worth it.

 
This is real. 06/06/2009
 

Okay, I just want to start off this whole thing with the reality that I am NOT a blogger.  I have tried (and failed) to be a "real blogger" a couple of times but I don't seem to have the motivation to keep it up.  Alas, I realize that recent events in my life have made it necessary to revisit my love/hate relationship with blogging.  So, here I am.

This site is so exciting to create and yet it makes me incredibly nervous at the same time because I realize that its very existence means that I have: 1) given notice at a job that I love where I work with people whom I love and 2) will be leaving the country for a currently undetermined amount of time (probably 2 years) on an adventure to serve God.

I find myself walking around in an almost numb state in which it periodically hits me that this is all real...selling all my things...leaving my friends...missing the next two years with my family...and then come the tears (like at this moment.  I'm sitting at a 24 hour coffee shop with tears streaming down my face). 

Don't get me wrong, I am ridiculously excited...it just might take a little while for me to fully realize that this is really, truly happening.